The President’s Scone

The president made an unexpected appearance while I was waiting to present a poster on my project. She caught me in the act of helping myself to the food laid on for her party of visiting dignitaries. I was applying cream to an already buttered and jammed scone. She challenged me on British baking product […]

The Visiting Statisticians

Our product was getting bad reviews and management were panicking. We weren’t panicking because we knew that it was shit. It had always been shit, but everyone who spoke openly about it being shit had been made redundant. Those of us who stayed learned to lie about it. We started to smoke our own crack. […]

Imaginary Stash Sniffing

As my boss droned on my mind wandered, though I was careful to ensure that I kept the appearance of listening by avoiding staring into space and nodding occasionally. But internally I was at home, unscrewing the purple lid from the clear plastic pot that I use to store ground weed, inserting my nose and […]

The nauseating interviewee

The interviewee made me feel sick. Sickened by his ill fitting suit. Sickened by his grey comb over. Sickened by his nervous cough. But most of all sickened by the realisation that one day I would be in his seat, pushing 50, answering patronising questions from young asses, desperately hoping that they might offer me […]

A new recurring dream

I suddenly become aware that I am urinating onto the carpet at the base of a support pillar in the middle of the office. At first it soaks into  the carpet but soon there is a puddle. The splashing noise becomes more conspicuous.  As I return to my desk, fastening my fly as I go, […]

Mothballs and shit

Jonny Crest had started meditating in an effort to inoculate himself against the manufactured stresses inherent in his position as a middle manager at a corporation. Because his desk was in the midst of a sea of identical desks, arrayed in islands of six, he could not meditate there. Nor could he use a meeting room, […]